


Frozen Heart

by Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Extended Metaphors, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Holidays, M/M, References to Depression, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 02:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Succubusphan/pseuds/Nefertiti1052
Summary: Dan's life changed with the seasons. Watch as his world blossoms and starts to shine with love, support and self improvement.





	Frozen Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Author Notes: This was written for the @phandomreversebang 2018/19 winter edition.Thank you to the amazing @stopdanielhowell for creating the amazing art for this fic and @artlessdynamite dynamite for stepping in as a beta in the last moment, keeping me sane and being an overall amazing friend.
> 
> [Art Link](https://stopdanielhowell.tumblr.com/post/182896590894/)

During the first years of his life, Dan had considered Winter to be his favourite season. Not only because he felt more comfortable during the colder months, but also because he saw some sort of poetic meaning behind the desaturation nature went through in preparation for the bleak weather to come. The changing seasons were  an accurate representation of how his life had transformed as he grew up.

 

The summery years in his life had ended as soon as he had started school; that’s when he had transitioned into autumn, feeling part of him dying with every insult and every distasteful glance thrown his way. Every time he was ignored by the adults in his life he saw as his dreams of a better future started to slowly die, even in his imagination. Once he reached high school, he was unable to see even a glimpse of that happy child in the mirror; he felt nothing but cold and dead inside. As his self hate grew, he began to loathe winter because it reminded him of how much he hated himself and his life.

 

That changed gradually when he started talking to Phil. He brought the sunlight that Dan had been missing; it was like a pulse of life running through his seemingly dead body. It was almost as if, in these little moments, he could see his life in colour again.

 

They made the arrangements to finally meet in person during the summer of 2009. They had been talking about it for months and all the tweets, Skype calls and text messages would finally come into fruition. Dan was elated to finally meet the person who had changed his life in so many ways; his best friend.

 

October 19th came quickly and Dan got up early for the big day. He was leaving for Manchester to finally meet Phil. With his perfectly straight hair and his backpack ready to stay over for two days, he made his way to the train station. Part of him was nervous that he would be awkward and scare Phil away, but the fact that they had skyped so many times and had so much in common already gave him hope that _this_ was real.

 

They texted during the train ride to pass the time and that did nothing but make the butterflies in Dan’s stomach flutter even more.

 

He felt the train come to a stop and as he looked out of the window, he realized he had arrived at Manchester Piccadilly.

 

He snatched his backpack and jumped to his feet, heading to the nearest exit in such a rush that he almost ran into a man’s back. He got off the train and looked around, feeling the urge to run but not knowing in which direction. After what seemed like an eternity but was in fact 5 minutes, Dan saw a distinctive black mane of hair paired with a bright turquoise checkered shirt, and finally met those blue eyes, the ones that never failed to make his heart sing.

 

A soft smile slipped onto his lips as he approached Phil and was entirely engulfed in his arms. Dan hesitated at first, unsure about how tight his hug could be without becoming inappropriate, but Phil washed away all his doubts as he knocked the wind out of him and gave Dan the warmest hug he had ever gotten.

 

“Welcome, it’s so amazing to finally be able to hold you,” Phil murmured.

 

Dan hid his face into Phil’s neck and breathed in his scent, his smile widening as he heard the words. “Thank you, it’s so nice to be able to see you in real life.”  

 

As they broke the hug, Phil stared into Dan’s eyes, glancing briefly to his lips before giving him a warm smile and suggesting they go to Starbucks.

 

The initial awkwardness slowly melted away as they sipped their Caramel Macchiatos and laughed just as they usually did over Skype. The sun caressed Dan’s cheek but he knew, deep inside, that the warmth he felt was radiating from Phil. For the first time in a long time, he felt happy.

 

Dan kept blushing every time Phil made a flirty comment or tried to bite him. He was getting a bit frustrated with himself at not being able to flirt back as he normally did on Skype; he was never truly confident but he was usually able to act the part. Dan considered himself a good actor, but nothing had prepared him for how amazing and hot Phil would actually be.

 

After a trip to the Apple Store, they went on the Manchester Eye and hugged as they enjoyed the view. After another one of Phil’s bites, he decided to take the risk and kiss Phil softly, the butterflies in his stomach dancing even more. He felt his doubts melt away when he felt Phil kiss back and smile into it, making him smile as well.

 

They broke the kiss and smiled at each other before leaning in for another, more purposeful and loving this time.

 

They ended their first date with drinks at a Sky Bar and headed back to Phil’s. Since his family was away, they had the place for themselves. They settled in the living room and plopped down on the couch to watch Wall-e. Once it ended, the conversation fizzled down, but they remained on the sofa and kissed lazily until they decided to head upstairs.

 

That would be the first night of many to come in their relationship. Everything felt new and exciting; it was a moment they had been anticipating for months; their first time together.

 

From then on, they couldn’t stay away from each other. Every day they spent apart felt like misery.

 

Everything was a milestone: the first date, their first time together, meeting Phil’s parents, spending a week together by themselves, and finally making it official. They even spent the days prior to Christmas together filming and goofing around. Love was in the air and it made Dan giddy.

 

But, to his absolute despair, that couldn’t last. Dan had to go back home for the holidays, where he felt like an outcast. That would be the first of many holidays spent apart, one more reason for Dan to dread the arrival of winter.

 

\------

 

After those first few months, Dan and Phil found it increasingly harder to spend time together because of the distance between them and the costs of travelling back and forth. They did as best as they could, never going past a two week period without a kiss, but it still felt like _too little._

 

With Dan going to Manchester University, the circumstances got simultaneously  better and worse. His stress levels were off the charts, with all the classes, essays and those damn seminars - it only took one of those to put him off from assisting ever again.

 

Phil’s Flat was the safe haven from the terrible dorm with a mattress where somebody had _definitely_ died on. Encouraged by his parents to move out of the family home after having finished his degree, Phil had gotten himself a very small flat in Manchester that allowed him to stay near Dan - or nearer than Rossendale for that matter. It allowed them to have some sort of privacy and a place for Dan to wash all of his clothes after the great laundry room fiasco. At least it had given them a good laugh when Dan arrived with his clothes and Phil had only managed to ask if he was moving in. Even in the shittiest days, Phil _always_ made him smile.

 

2010 was one of the happiest, yet hardest years for Dan, but Phil was always there to put a smile on his face or give him a warm hug. The coldness of the winter months meant that, at least, they could cuddle whenever they had a bit of time and kiss the cold away.

 

Even though they spent as much time together as it was possible, they missed each other _constantly_ when they weren’t. The hardest part of the year without fail, was spending the holidays away from each other.

 

They always tried their best to be together up to Christmas Eve, but when the time of celebrating came around, even their families couldn’t stop them from thinking of the other and wish they could share that moment. Especially the New Year’s Eve kiss. Being young and in a new relationship meant that they were still required to stay home and share the holidays with their respective families.

 

On those occasions, Phil coped with the distance by texting Dan while watching a movie with his loving family; and Dan simply kept his phone close to him and smiled outwardly while sipping on champagne, wishing he could be where his heart actually was.

 

Their relationship matured and grew with them, but it still didn’t get any easier to be apart from each other.

 

\----

 

A few months shy of their two year anniversary, Phil moved to a new flat in Manchester, a bigger and prettier one, and Dan promptly moved in with him only days after. They were finally able to share as much time together as they wanted.

 

It wasn’t easy, living together was a blessing but also learning experience. They discovered that Dan was obsessed with cleaning and throwing everything in sight away and Phil was not very good at picking up after himself. With time they learned to complement each other’s strengths instead of arguing about it. The financial difficulties that came with the lack of a stable job and renting did not help, but they focused on their youtube careers and it slowly but surely paid off.

 

Dan still felt empty and cold inside at times, spending entire weeks in bed, not eating, unable to smile. He tried his best to put up a front to Phil, but Phil saw right through it and that’s when the rules came in. They both came up with ways to work around Dan’s mental health problems because his sporadic therapy consultations hadn’t been of much help. No matter what the professionals said, he considered the emptiness and sadness a part of him, not something that particularly needed attention or fixing. He was diagnosed with depression, but he thought he could handle it on his own when it was clear to Phil that he couldn’t.

 

Phil set the rules in place to help them both navigate through life the best that they could with the given circumstances: There were tasks for each of them, sleeping schedule and studying time for Dan, writing and filming time for their videos, house chores, and most importantly, everything that wasn’t done during the week was to be finished during the weekend. The sheet of paper was always visible in their office as a sort of contract, signed by them in agreement to make the best out of their circumstances.

 

Being the amazingly supportive boyfriend that he was, Phil was there to encourage him to get things done, to study for his tests, to film videos for his channel and their joint projects; but also to hug him when Dan needed to be comforted. The best thing about their relationship was that they understood each other very well, they knew when to stay close and be comforting and when to give each other space.  

 

This gave Dan some sort of comfort in having a routine that allowed him to focus better on his responsibilities, and consequently, enjoy his free time with his boyfriend.

 

The perpetual cold in his soul was still present but, sometimes, he managed to keep it at bay. It was much harder to accomplish when he felt like he had failed at life - like he was not achieving the things most of the people his age were. Eventually, Dan finally decided that he had had enough of wasting his time in a career that he _loathed_. He had a good crying session in Phil’s arms and decided to drop out. Part of him felt absolutely horrible about it. He felt the darkness creeping in, the cold rooted into his bones, but he knew deep inside that this was what was best for him.

 

When the focus shifted to their youtube careers, life got a bit easier. Letting their creativity flow was something that made them feel accomplished. Every little milestone was a small celebration for them, something to be proud of, for themselves and for each other. Even though they travelled and had projects of their own, being away from each other was still hard, even if it was just for a few days.

Dan still had a love-hate relationship with the holidays because he _loved_ Christmas and how happy it made Phil, but he positively _hated_ going to his parents’ house because they didn’t quite understand his passion for youtube, but also because it meant being away from _home_. Each Christmas still brought so many bad memories about his childhood and the creeping feeling of loneliness back. Dan dreamed of the day when they wouldn’t have to be apart.  

 

When their youtube channels started to hit subscriber milestone after milestone, they thought they would have an easier time, but that was not the case. A very private video Phil had sent Dan was leaked onto the internet for everyone to see, and even though it had been leaked before, they thought they had managed to delete it in time. Sadly, someone had kept a copy and it was being shared, spreading around like wildfire.

 

People were mocking them and their relationship, calling them slurs and trying to ruin everything that was sacred to them. It made them feel sick and disappointed in humanity in general. They tried not to let it ruin their year but it was hard to cope with it. _That_ was just another source of insecurity and resentment thrown onto Dan; it brought him right back to his school years. To the hate and homophobia, _to the cold_.

 

Even though Phil was not holding up much better than him, he sat down with Dan and asked him not to let that stupid youtube glitch and people being absolute pigs ruin what they had. Dan broke down for the first time in quite a long time. He had been so ashamed and angry, and even angrier for letting the homophobic morons get to him, but now he realized that he had slowly pulled back from Phil without meaning to. He vowed to _never_ let that happen again.

 

Dan continued to lash out to his viewers on Tumblr at times, but he never let the outside hate make him lose sight of his priorities ever again. Part of his professional life was bleak, even with the huge amount of success and the new fame that they didn’t know how to deal with, but at the end of the day, they knew they would _always_ have each other.

 

They decided to change scenery and try new things. They considered that they had reached the ceiling of opportunities in Manchester, so they moved to London in the hopes of getting a permanent job at BBC Radio 1. Even though they hadn’t gotten any concrete offers, they had already made one Christmas special for them and the BBC had been very pleased with the results.

 

To end what was a complicated year, they landed their second Christmas special and signed a contract to host a request show. Their very own Radio Show. They had initially only wanted Phil, but he asked if he could bring Dan along and that had made Dan’s heart grow five times its size. Yes, they were living in a much more expensive flat, that had literally no furniture and they could barely afford to eat, but they were happy.

 

They watched the Christmas special with their respective families even though Phil would have loved to share that moment with Dan as well. He bowed to try to end this strike of constantly spending the holidays away from each other. They were expected to spend time with their families but they were also a family of their own. After three years of wading through murky waters together and coming to the other side better and happier, it was about time their relationship was more of a family matter.

 

\---

 

The following year, 2013, brought even more success and many trips abroad for conventions. They enjoyed meeting their subscribers greatly, even if they occasionally encountered an asshole that was rude to one of them and nice to the other. Their spring and summer was filled with breakfasts in bed, cuddles, parties, and making new friends. It was in those moments that Dan smiled brighter for Phil, _only_ for him. When things got hectic and one of them would stress to the point of thinking he was losing his mind they found comfort in knowing they had each other’s back.

 

Dan felt the dread clinging to his mind. As December approached once more, he started to picture his days in solitude waiting for Phil to come back. After the first two years of constant argument and feeling misunderstood and somewhat questioned on his life choices, Dan bowed to only spend up to one week at his family home. The previous year, he had pretended he had plans and had packed his bag back for London on Boxing Day.

 

He loved his parents but his relationship with them had not been that great over the past two years. Dan guessed it was because he had failed to meet their expectations, or maybe even because he had a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Even though they had never made any comments about it and they hadn’t banned Phil from visiting back when he broke the news to them, Dan couldn’t help but feel constantly judged. His Nanna was the only reason he even went back and put up with the pretence of being a happy family for a few days each year. He would still go for two days this year, if only because he feared of the day he wouldn’t have her anymore. There it was, the darkness, trying to overtake him, making him feel frozen. He tried to distract himself from the distressing thoughts but he couldn’t, so he settled for playing video games until his mind was too tired to be a nuance and then scripted his next video.

 

It took more arguing than he had thought but when Phil had gotten his mother’s blessing to go back home a week before usual, he was happy to tell Dan the good news. There was nothing in the world Phil wouldn’t do to see that smile adorned with dimples. It was definitely worth it when he went into detail about why Kath had argued so much about it. She couldn’t understand why Dan couldn’t join them as he was part of the family as well.

 

Dan could feel the ice cracking when he heard that. He was loved, _truly_ loved and accepted.

 

\----

 

The start of the year with Phil’s arms around him and his lips softly kissing his own, his cheek and his neck, had been the best thing Dan could have ever imagined.

 

They had dressed up just for the sake of it - or perhaps for each other - and dinner had been ordered because they were not in the mood for cooking, or that’s what they told themselves. The truth was that even though they had left the nest years ago, they had only acquired _decent_ cooking skills and they were afraid of burning their first New Year’s Eve dinner together.

 

It was amazing how after years of being together, every new experience they shared as a couple felt like some sort of milestone. In those occasions, everything felt new and exciting. Maybe it was the fact that they felt their relationship had settled and solidified, or that they would be hosting a red carpet live stream for the Brit Awards on BBC’s Youtube channel in just a bit over a month, or their _huge_ projects coming next year. Dan and Phil were a successful Youtube duo and the power couple making everyone feel like nobody had ever loved like they loved each other. They were finally being respected in all areas of their lives.

 

Sometimes Dan still felt like something was not right in his mind, like everything weighted down on him, so he finally decided to take another therapy consultation. To no one's surprise, he was diagnosed with depression and given medication for it. 2014 was the year Dan decided he wasn’t going to let the void take up most of his time. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds, he had many battles to fight still, but he was willing to get better to _be_ better.

 

His New Year’s resolution had been to start being himself publicly, and even though he still had

constant debates about what was right or wrong, sometimes it was just a matter of letting his thoughts come out - and panic later, of course.

 

That’s how he had claimed the title of Phil Trash #1 unashamedly and also how he shut someone right up when they kept interrupting Phil. “Can Phil express an opinion” became one of many iconic moments in their history of public presentations. The fans went crazy, but so did Phil, who managed to maintain his usual poker face until they were backstage. Then, he proceeded to kiss his foolish boyfriend over and over while smiling widely. By that point, Dan had started to doubt himself again, but he decided that he could deal with the demons - good and bad- if it meant Phil would kiss him like _that._

 

That summer, after so many trips and stressing over getting back home on time for their radio show every week, they had arranged to have a new show, but monthly, called _The Internet Take Over_ , which became a huge success. The new schedule allowed them to finally release Project X into the wild: _Dan and Phil Games_ which would later receive an award for being the fastest growing gaming channel. It was amazing to be able to successfully run a Youtube channel that only required them to play video games and bant on camera.

 

To finalize their year, they carefully planned everything they would be working on for the next year, as well as how they would spend their free time. They loved their careers but they were still a priority to each other and consequently made the necessary arrangements to take time off and share special moments.

 

Dan went home for Christmas, but this time, even though he was still nervous about going back, he tried his best to mend the bond with each of his family members. To his surprise, trying to actually make conversation and being more attentive got a very positive reaction from them. He did feel a bit out of place at times, but the new family dog, Colin, provided him with all the cuddles and kisses he could possibly wish, while still giving him space.

 

He knew they still didn't understand much of what he was doing with his career but it seemed that they were proud of him and tried their best to encourage him to talk about it. He was immensely congratulated when he broke the news that Phil and him were releasing a book and would later be doing a stage show, and that made him emotional. Maybe his relationship with his family wasn’t as bad as he had thought, but he still _needed_ Phil.

 

He started to pack his bags to return home on boxing day, he was surprised by his Nanna knocking on the open door of his old bedroom. He looked up to her and was greeted by her gentle smile.

 

“Leaving already, Daniel?”

 

“Yes Nanna, Phil is coming home tomorrow and I want to cook something nice for him.” He smiled softly.

 

She entered the room and put a hand on his shoulder. “You miss him already?”

 

He blushed a little as he nodded and returned to packing to avoid her teasing eyes.

 

“When are you going to bring him home for the holidays?” She said shaking her head. “I miss that boy dearly and Karen has been asking when we will get to spend some family time with him. It’s not fair that you keep him all to yourself.”

 

He felt shocked. He knew they liked Phil well enough but he had never felt like they would be welcome as a couple in a family celebration. Sometimes he felt like after five years, they still weren’t taken seriously. “Really? She said that?”

 

“Of course!”

 

“Well, I have not been trying to keep him from you, He just -” Dan considered the validity of what he had just said, had he been the one keeping Phil away from his family? “He likes spending the holidays with his family but we are trying to keep New Year's Eve for ourselves, so we agreed to spend Christmas in family and return home before the New Year.” He frowned.

 

“And wouldn’t you say he is part of _this_ family as well, Daniel?” She asked sweetly.

 

“Yes, of course, I just wasn’t sure if you would like him to come with me.”

 

Her smile turned into a frown, “Have we ever given you the impression that we don’t want Phil here?”

 

Dan made a pause to better consider his answer; they actually hadn’t. He had just assumed; he had never felt fully accepted and maybe he had taken that as a sign that he should keep Phil to himself, away from the hurt and judgement. His family was not perfect, _nobody_ was, but he had apparently isolated himself from them for no  reason other than his own fears and assumptions.

 

He knew the answer, but he needed to hear it nonetheless: “Do you love me, Nanna?” he said as his voice wavered.

 

She put her arms around his chest in a very sweet hug albeit a little awkward because of the height difference. “Of course I do, child. We _all_ do, never doubt it.”

 

A Tear rolled down his cheek but he quickly rubbed it off with one hand and leaned down to give his Nanna a proper hug. “I love you too.”

 

\-----

 

After another amazing kick off for the Year, they took their unofficial yet traditional hiatus time to visit friends before it was time to go up North. Phil was not taking a no for an answer, he wanted to spend his birthday with his family, his _entire_ family. Even though they didn’t publicly admit it, they didn’t deny the fact that Dan was there when the fans assumed he had joined the celebration.

 

2015 was full of adventures and hard work, Their first trip to Japan, the first time Dan joined the Lesters in an exclusively family visit for Father’s day, their first book being published, their first stage show. The best part of it all was that they got to do it all together, as they were meant to.

 

Being busy gave their lives more purpose, but they also made sure to enjoy themselves and they continued to do so the entirety of 2016 during their World Tour.

 

Dan felt like he still had a long way to go but the personal growth he had experienced made him feel quite good. He still felt bad at times, like a cloud was hanging over his head, but he received so much love from their fans, from Phil, from both of their families, that he considered his life to be pretty good overall.

 

For the first time, Dan joined the Lesters in their annual Florida trip and was confident enough to post the pictures. He knew there were still people judging him, but he felt like he could deal with that better now.

 

Despite all of their success, there was always backlash for everything they did, but they had agreed that was not going to be an impediment for them to enjoy themselves and to not keep so many things a secret.

 

In November Phil took him by surprise, though. As Dan watched him proudly from the audience at the Boncas, Phil called him to the stage to share the creator of the year award with him and Dan felt close to tears but he managed to keep them at bay. He had never felt more loved or closer to Phil, being in their position meant that many times they felt defensive about what they would share, even though recently they had been a lot more open, this felt different.

 

Dan felt the love running through him like a wave of warmth filling his entire being. After several dinner dates, a Christmas apart and the beginning of a new year together it seemed like there was no way life could get any better, but he was wrong.

 

2017 was the year when they finally stopped pretending like their lives were not absolutely entwined. Every birthday, trip, moving, celebration, or success was theirs. _We, Our, Us._

 

Phil’s 30th birthday was spent up north and photographed for posterity. They travelled a lot and wanted to share it with the world. They decided together that it was ok to share the fact that they had rented a house with Martyn and Cornelia during the family holidays. It was only a couple of pictures, but they knew the fans would piece the information together as they always did. There were only two bedrooms, and who slept with who was very clear. They travelled to an Island in the Mediterranean with their friends in their - no longer secret - couples retreat. But most importantly, Dan finally felt strong enough to post a video about his struggles with mental illness. Phil hugged him tight and reminded him how much he loved him as Dan made the video public. He held Dan in his arms as they read the outpour of love of support _Daniel and Depression_ got.

 

Dan went up north with Phil before heading south to his family for Christmas. He felt less lonely and cold than usual. Maybe it was because he was hugged tightly by each member of the Lester family before he left, or maybe it was because he was too distracted by his family’s outrage of him going north but Phil not coming south. To say that they were jealous was an understatement. Phil was absolutely unhelpful in the situation, reminding Dan of how much his grandma loved him and giggling. He didn’t get to laugh for long, though, because Nanna took Dan’s phone from him and made him promise they would visit her soon.

 

\------

 

2018 had been an amazing year, even though Dan had had a rough start with his mental health getting the best of him. He had embarked in a journey of self-discovery and growth, prioritizing himself over his youtube channel, and that had helped him end their second world tour much stronger than he had started. They made sure to enjoy every single location they went to and it became a running joke to their fans that they were on paid vacations instead of a tour; maybe it was a little bit of both.

 

It had been a year of struggles and concessions but it had all paid off. Even though he hadn’t posted a video to dinof in over 6 months, he didn’t feel the rush or obligation to do so until he knew he had something important to say. They had continued with the liveshows and the gaming channel until late December, but after they were done posting their pre-recorded videos, they decided to take some time off from youtube and enjoy life.

 

Many traditions had come to an end, but new ones were already in the making.

 

They stood next to the balcony door but remained inside in the warmth of their home. When the clock struck midnight, Dan hugged Phil from behind and kissed him softly, marking the start of 2019. A few moments later, as the fireworks illuminated the sky, they broke the kiss, looked out into the night sky and smiled.

 

“Would you marry me?” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear and pressed their cheeks together.

 

Phil smiled, “Of course, my love.”

 

Once, Dan had felt like the summery years in his life had ended as soon as he had started school.  Once, he had not been able to see even a glimpse of that happy child in the mirror, he had felt cold and dead inside. But now, after so many years, and so many struggles, he had finally found a way to be happy. Spring had finally come to stay and made his life flourish and burst into colour. Still, he didn’t resent winter anymore, he embraced it, for it now symbolized a tradition, a new celebration, a new year for more adventures next to his loved ones.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: [Succubusphan](http://Succubusphan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> In case you wish to reblog the fic: [Tumblr Link](https://succubusphan.tumblr.com/post/182896727006/frozen-heart/)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated!!!!


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